• I quit Margret House. Again. Working full-time at home.
  
• I'm loving my new HDTV
• The real estate market in Calgary is crazy. My condo went up $100,000 in 6 months. It'll probably be worth $25 in October.
• I joined a Dodgeball league.
• I've decided to become a professional poker player.

• Regarding the Tube (London C-Train): The doors don't open when they close on you. They just try to drag you to your death. Some guy had to stop the train and pull me out the first time I rode the fucker.


• London is super-expensive. The prices look pretty much the same except they're in pounds, so everything is actually twice the price. A burger and fries is actually $20 and a CD is over $30.


• Big Ben is fucking huge! Photos don't do it justice. I almost shit my pants when I saw it.


• The pubs close at 11:00, so start early.


• Speaking of pubs, if they get too full, people just go outside and drink on the sidewalk.


• The carrot cake sucks.


• There are urinals sitting right on the street. No walls, no nothing. I'll try and get a photo.


• If you have a Rogers/Fido phone (or any GSM phone), make sure it's unlocked before you bring it. You can buy temporary SIM Cards our here to get a local phone number and pay-as-you-go minutes. I forgot to unlock mine and am going through withdrawl.

"I hear Landsbury's a god on the 'bone." - Jay Stanley

Ed note: Tony would like to wish NicHole (njkobie) a happy birthday. Except, pretend it's tomorrow right now. Which, in London it almost is. I think. Anyway, on with the show...

Jacksonville, FL – Singer/actress Angela Landsbury wowed Super Bowl spectators Sunday with an unexpected Halftime tribute to the Beatles.

The surprise performance came just hours after scheduled headliner Lindsay Lohan was pulled from the Halftime lineup. Despite the last minute change however, Landsbury did not disappoint. In what has been described as her greatest performance since Bedknobs, the singer brought at least one senior citizen to tears.

“I didn’t think she would ever top Murder, She Wrote: South by Southwest,” wept Mary Grimes, watching the performance from her subsidized apartment. “But she blew the fucker right out of the water. I hope Anthony is watching this.”

Gerry Grimes, Mrs. Grimes’ estranged husband, agreed.

“Landsbury is a fucking genius! I mean, I thought she was awesome before, but when she blasted us with a sing-along to Hey Jude, I nearly shit my pants! I mean, I can’t hear that song enough. Fuck yeah! If only Johnnie Ray were alive to see this.”

Organizers made the decision to pull Lohan when they learned she checked a burlap sack of kittens into instrument lockup prior to sound check.

“We’re not sure what she planned to do with them,” explained NFL spokesman Daorcey LeBray. “But we thought a lineup change was best, given her recent attempts to shed her good-girl image.”

Concerns over Lohan began during rehearsals early last week when she apparently expressed the desire to swing in from the rafters on a “huge mother-fucking dildo”, but LeBray admitted the final decision was made for the sake of PR.

“We wouldn’t have given two shits a year ago,” LeBray continued. "But everything changed after 38. We’re living in a post-malfunction world now. I mean, you can’t just televise a midget-toss whenever you want anymore, y'know?”

Encouraged by their recent success, organizers announced Tuesday that the front-runner for next year’s Halftime Show is Billy Crystal.

Calgary, AB - Local web developer Tony Grimes adopted a fake-news web journal format after realizing his life is boring as hell.

"I've had little desire to update my journal as of late," he stated after making the decision Thursday. "There just isn't anything very exciting going on in my life right now. I get up; I go to work; I come home; I work some more; I sleep. That's pretty much it. I mean, what am I going to write about? Bran muffins? Yeah, right. I think this new format will really spice some shit up jalopeño-style."

Grimes is no stranger to in-your-face journalism.

"I was editor at my university newspaper and this journalism thing is pretty cut and dry", Grimes explained. "It's all about the up-side-down pyramid, man. You start with a wicked lead, back the fucker up with some quotes, add a dash of retort and finish her off abruptly with a useless fact or two. Gravy."

Despite his mad skills, Grimes has his critics. James Keller, journalism student at Halifax and former colleague of Grimes, is not convinced of his credentials.

"For one thing, the guy misspelled lede," Keller stressed. "And yeah, he was an editor at The Gauntlet. A web editor! The guy copy and pastes some text and all of a sudden he's a fucking news journalist? What, did he get tutored by his spirit animal?!? Jesus Christ!"

But Grimes is not worried.

"Yeah, there are many who are jealous of my awesome talent and majestic heritage," he said. "But, I'm really doing them a service when you think about it. Just complaining about me gives their lives meaning. And besides, James is a cock-loving Nazi. His parents told me so."

Keller's family confirmed Grimes' claims.

"Oh yeah, he's a Nazi all right. And Christ, does he ever love the cock," Mrs. Keller said proudly.

Grimes is still amazed that people go to school for this shit.